Ambivalence is a soul draining virus. Gray days that look the same at 8 in the morning as they do at 5 in the afternoon add to my lack of commitment to flourish this Tuesday.
As I do inventory, and page through the stored to-do lists that are filed in my body, soul, and spirit drawers, I look for the item that sticks out on the edges. What is asking me to pay attention, and what am I unmotivated to tend? What demands soulful consideration, what is just busy work that will keep my hand from the things of value and meaningful expense of my self? Why do I find everything to be pulling at my ankles when I finally find the energy to walk towards tasks flickering an invitation to me? Is the couch and that soft blanket I love less meaningful than the laundry? What happens if I don't wash and moisturize my face, brush and floss my teeth, answer emails, mop floors, walk dog, empty trash, paint, write, plan, iron, fold, tuck, cook, shop, call, and make a tuna sandwich and fresh carrots for lunch?
I will tell you that I have very meaningful things I am privileged to do today, and have an underlying sense of gratitude for my life. I actually want to do what I need to do. But ambivalence has weighted my "go" muscles into uncertain pause.
I think that we are on watch for areas of weakness in our lives that have a significant voice. Anger, selfishness, impatience, anxiousness, these make a guest appearance on my doorstep often, and I am vigilant to pray for the strength to step past them. But ambivalence by its very nature steals silently, consumes quietly, deflates us like a slow leak in a tire. It is a lengthening shadow, and a vapor of toxic consumption. The reality that I have no control over the hurts and suffering of those around me feeds my ambivalence, and chants the distant melody of despair.
So I will need to consume the supplements of faith to ward off this virus. With my first fruits of energy, I have spent time in the Word and prayer, and I have confessed my ambivalence. I've pushed open the curtains in my home, and turned on all the lights. And I've decided to trust that today is one day, and God will make another one tomorrow. By His grace, I will do the next right thing. And the next. Faithfulness looks like that. Ambivalence is allergic to that. God is anything but ambivalent, and I am born of Him. Funny how just the basics fuel my will with new intention.
Don't give up, and don't beat yourself up. But do get up. By His grace, do the next right thing.